This is a Secret Santa gift for *OfOneSoul in Shonen-ai Writers Secret Santa exchange.
I do not own Dragon Age: Origins.
Alisana is the character I created.
I hope you like it. I knew nothing about the fandom and I did research and a few days ago went out and bought the game, but I didn't get that far so I haven't met Zevran yet. It is a good game though, so thank you for getting me even more interested in it. I apologize it wasn't done sooner but I was trying to do more research.
I am sorry if this wasn't what you were looking for. Happy New Year!

I like to start off my critiques with my overall impression of the piece. I
fuckingloved it!This was so great, perfect, and just like the characters (despite your lack of knowledge of the gaming series). I couldn't stop reading from start to finish which is a definite sign of good writing & my obvious interest in the subject matter.
Now I'd like to point out a few significantly good points in your writing:
Normally I do not like it when writing just rushes right into the story - but it works very well for this piece. It gets me immeadiately excited - especially to see what Zevran is planning to do.
Although you have barely begun playing the Dragon Age game - I must admit that your dialogue was spot on when it comes to the characters. Zevran is very sexual & suggestive, while Alistair is easy to offend. I could also sense their accents throughout - which was another plus. Not only that, but strictly speaking with general prose - your dialogue was very believable.
- "I never knew a Templar to hate water."
It's so sassy, sarcastic, & just like Zevran.
- Zevran decided he could ask the other a few more question. "Well what else could I ask? Have you ever painted a woman's walls before?" he asked.
"I have helped a few women paint their houses." he answered with a bit of a slur to his voice.
"Oh? Are you sure you didn't leave one with a bun or two in the oven then?" Zevran asked him drinking a bit more of his drink as he looked at Alistair closely.
Alistair blinked as even drunk he wasn't too sure of what the other was talking about. "I've never done any baking when I helped them out."
You have no idea how perfect this is. I don't know if you've gotten far enough into the game - but in certain places your party members will have random conversations while you're walking. If you are in a relationship with Alistair, a lot of the conversations will be about his sexual agenda for you. And Alistair never quite gets it. This was so hilarious and charming. Any hardcore Dragon Age fan would die laughing.
- Alistair looked at her. “I expect insults from a woman who probably hasn’t gotten any in years.”
Another perfectly appropriate comment. One of my favorite aspects of the game was how much Morrigan and Alistair hated each other. They were always remarking snidely and insulting the other. I smiled at this.
Now for a few constructive comments.
There are several places where some of your sentences run a bit too long, and sometimes don't make since. Example: Zevran said teasingly though he wasn't sure of the chances of the other actually getting what he was saying were slim to none. Here the sentence has grown so long that it no longer makes sense.
There are very few grammar errors in this piece. But I thought I'd mention one that was an easy fix and that you made several times: "I must decline. I do not drink." he said to the other." You've left the he in the third sentence not capitilized. I would perhaps write it as, "I must decline, I do not drink." He said to the other. or "I must decline. I do not drink," he said to the other."
As far as suggestions go, I thought I'd mention the use of formatting. Instead of using quotations to mark significant words and phrases... why not use a bit of bolding or italics? It makes the text all the more prettier and the important words stand out.
All in all, my dear... this was a fantastic gift to receive. It's everything I imagined and more and I truly appreciate the time and effort you put into not only researching this piece... but writing it.
Now I have only one question... are you a Dragon Age Fangirl now?
is that exactly what you mean?
Thank you for the feedback and I am happy that I was able to make the characters work properly. I haven't even gotten to Morrigan yet, but I seen pieces of my hubby getting through a bit and he claims she reminds him of me. >.>
I am so happy you liked the dialogue they did have. It was slightly hard to keep my own thoughts out of it at times like when Zevran had the thought of smacking Alistair for being that innocent.
I must say I am a bit of a fan of Zevran now. Lol. I decided to make a male character as well just to see if they could hook up with the other. I kind of like the pairing now though I admit to entertaining the thought of Alistair and Morrigan getting drunk and somehow ending up married. The fights I can imagine between them are hilarious in my head.
I guess I am a Dragon Age Fangirl now.
You are very welcome. I wanted to make sure I could pull it off even though I wasn't able to get the game until much later in my research. I can't wait to play it more and see how the characters interact. I may even be inspired to write more Dragon Age fanfictions. I am just so happy you loved it and thanks for the critique.
Alistair will always be my baby, though. He has a special place in my heart... & I hate the thought of him sleeping with Morrigan! I love her to death - but she shan't have Alistair!
... but Zevran can certainly have him for a night.
So Zevran is a bisexual character? Awesome!
And yes, Zevran is more than welcomed to show Alistair the "cure" for drinking again.
& Leliana is the female bisexual character. There are so many different story-lines - I promise you'll love it. I'm actually going to host a Share You Dragon Age OC contest some time this year. It's open to Fan-Fics!